A few years ago, I was in a meeting with a potential client. Big company. Great opportunity.
And I had no idea what they were talking about.
I did something that felt terrifying at the time.
I stopped them mid-sentence and said: “I need to be honest. I don’t understand what you mean by that. Can you explain it differently?”
The room got quiet. I felt like an idiot and sure that they would agree with me.
Instead, the CEO laughed and said: “Thank you. Half the people at this table probably don’t understand either but won’t say so.”
In that moment, I earned his respect, and that of others in the room – not to mention that they probably also had a sigh of relief because someone else asked the hard and embarrassing question.
And I could feel the collective exhale in the room, because someone finally asked the question everyone else was sitting on.
Here’s what happens when we pretend to understand:
- You continue to be confused because you’re not clear on what’s going on.
- You make decisions based on assumptions that turn out to be wrong. Those decisions can be costly to the project, the team, the company or your career.
- You waste three weeks going in a direction that wasn’t what they wanted. That can reinforce their perception of your communication skills and performance. It’s also wasted time that you could have used elsewhere.
- You reinforce a culture where nobody asks questions because they think everyone else gets it.
And it may be that the question that could have been solved in two minutes in that meeting turns into a much bigger one down the road.
If you’re the most senior person in the room, this matters even more. People watch what you do. If you pretend, they pretend. If you ask, they feel safe to ask too. You set the tone, whether you mean to or not.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say in a meeting is “help me understand.”
It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you care more about getting it right than about looking like you already have all the answers.
When was the last time you admitted you didn’t understand something in a meeting? What happened next?