I was brought in to facilitate a conflict between two colleagues (Claire and John) who had reached a point where working together had become almost impossible. Their differences had begun to impact the entire team and the department’s ability to function well.
On the surface, it looked like a personality clash. Two different approaches, two different priorities. That’s the story everyone on the team had landed on, but it wasn’t the full story.
Many workplace conflicts don’t start with a big blowup. It starts with something small that didn’t get addressed. A comment that landed wrong, a decision that felt unfair. A moment where someone felt dismissed and didn’t say so.
Here’s what I found when we got into it, and the one thing that ended up changing everything.
Claire had been hurt early on. Not in a dramatic way. A moment where she felt dismissed and disrespected by John in a team meeting. She never told him about it, and from that point on, everything John did was viewed from that lens. And it was hard for him to dig himself out when he didn’t even know how it got started, and he found himself getting defensive whenever Claire was in the room.
When we’re in conflict, we get very focused on being right. We gather evidence, replay conversations, and recruit allies without even realizing it. The other person does exactly the same thing, or at the very least starts to make up their own story about you.
Left alone long enough, this is how teams split into camps, gossip rises, and psychological safety (or lack of) is whispered in the hallway. What started as a molehill becomes a mountain.
In this situation, the turning point was simple, and didn’t take long. I facilitated a conversation, where Claire was able to share with John what he said and how it had landed on her. John was shocked – he had no idea. He was quick to apologize and sorry his comment had caused so much pain. Claire finally felt seen, there was a softening on both sides, and their fight stance dissolved.
If you lead a team, you’ve watched some version of this happen. Two good people, both convinced they’re right, both quietly adding fire to the conflict. The fix sometimes can be as simple as taking the time to fully hear each other out, with curiosity and compassion – seeing the other person as another human being who is also trying to do their best.
Teams cannot be high performing when there are tensions, let alone open conflict with one another. Caring about the relationship more than being right is where that changes.