At DisruptHR May 2026, standing on stage at the Victoria Conference Center, I told several hundred people what didn’t want to hear: you are part of the problem. Not because you don’t care. Because chronic reactivity, that constant firefighting mode most of us live in, quietly erodes our ability to be present.
When you’re reactive, you can’t really listen. You solve the surface issue and miss the real one, with clients, with your team, with the people at home who need you too. That talk was about what reactivity costs you and the people around you. This article is about where that reactivity actually comes from, and it usually isn’t what you’d expect.
If you’re spread thin right now, some part of you already knows you need better self-care. You know your pace isn’t sustainable. You’ve got that niggling feeling that you need to slow down. But you don’t know how, and honestly, you’re not sure you’re allowed to.
Too many people depend on you. You can’t let them down. So you keep going, one foot in front of the other, carrying the overwhelm like it’s just part of the job. Sound familiar?
Here’s the harsh reality. If you’re excellent at what you do, at work or at home, people come to rely on you. And they don’t want that to change. They appreciate everything you do, which feels good. But the person who most needs to give you permission to change isn’t them. It’s you.
Here’s what happens when you ignore the signs
When you’re driven, and your workplace rewards drive and results, it’s easy to get pulled into that culture and lose yourself in it. Your body sends signals. Fatigue. Apathy. That nagging “hey, pay attention” feeling. And most of us override it, until the message gets loud enough that we have no choice, usually in a doctor’s office, hearing something we didn’t want to hear.
That fatigue is trying to tell you something simple: this isn’t working, and it isn’t sustainable.
The cost isn’t just at work
When you’re moving fast every day, fighting fires, you’re not spending time reflecting. And without reflection, you’re probably not making your best decisions. You’re also not learning from your mistakes in any real way. Learning takes slowing down, reflecting, and deciding on purpose what you’ll do differently next time.
If you’re a high achiever in a leadership role, this gets harder, because more people depend on you. Add kids and family obligations, and the weight on your shoulders gets heavier still. This is where whole-person leadership matters. The habits that burn you out at work don’t stop at the office door. They show up at home too, in how present you are, how patient you are, how much you have left to give the people who matter most to you.
In other words, the status quo works for everyone but you
The way things are right now probably benefits a lot of people. They’re happy with your performance and your work ethic, so why would they want anything to change? You pride yourself on your integrity, on doing what you say you’ll do. But that often comes at a price: you put yourself last. Again. And the person who pays the heaviest price for that is you.
So with that in mind, permission starts with you
Instead of waiting for permission from everyone else, start with yourself. Give yourself permission to fail. To be less than what people expect. To be honest with yourself. To take a break without feeling like it’s shameful. To remember you’re human, and you have nothing left to prove.
What would it take for you to be a little gentler on yourself? What does that actually look like for you? It’ll look different for everyone. But we usually already know the answer. We just don’t listen to it, because we’ve been rewarded our whole careers for getting things done.
Remember the fable of the goose that laid the golden eggs. You can’t keep producing golden eggs if you don’t take care of the goose. When the goose goes down, everybody loses, not just you.
One thing to expect
When you’re ready to change, expect resistance. Not because people are against you, but because your new boundaries mean they have to change too. That’s uncomfortable for everyone, including you.
Going in with that expectation, and a plan for how you’ll handle the pushback, makes it far more likely you’ll actually stick with it.
So here’s my question for you: what’s one piece of permission you need to give yourself this week, at work or at home?