You’re in a meeting and the same irritating colleague you’ve had to work with for months cuts you off, again. By the time the meeting ends, you’ve replayed it three times, and you’re fuming. That evening, you’re short with your kids and you’re not quite sure why.
We all have moments that trigger us. Those triggers can send us into a downward spiral. They can ruin our evening, or they can drag on for weeks.
Here’s what happens when we stay upset with someone at work. We lost trust with the other person and the relationship suffers. Ideas don’t get shared, people don’t feel safe, and on it goes. In turn, the whole organization feels it, and takes a hit on the bottom line.
The same is true at home. When we stay stuck in a reaction with a partner or a child, the price we pay is broken connection.
A lot of advice tries to reach us through our thinking brain. But when we’re in fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode, we don’t have full access to that part of the brain. In reactivity, we lose full access to our prefrontal cortex, the CEO of the brain. So trying to think our way out of a reaction often doesn’t work.
What people who handle this well do differently
They still get triggered. Everyone does. The difference is that they don’t stay there. The habit that gets them out is this: they discern instead of judge.
Judging sounds like “He’s so disrespectful” or “She always does this.” It’s a verdict. Once you’ve decided who someone is, there’s nothing left to figure out. You just keep replaying the evidence.
Discerning sounds like “He cut me off twice. I don’t know why yet.” It sticks to what actually happened and leaves room for what you don’t know. That room is where your options are.
In other words, judgment keeps you stuck. Discernment moves you forward.
Try this the next time something sets you off
Reset your body first. Your thinking brain needs a moment to come back online. For ten seconds, focus on a physical sensation. Feel your feet on the floor, listen to the sounds around you, or rub two fingertips together and notice the ridges. It’s a small action, but it breaks the reactivity by giving your brain something to focus on.
Swap the verdict for the facts. Ask yourself these questions. What is really going on here? What am I assuming? what perspectives have I not thought about? How am I feeling? What do I need to do about it? Naming the feeling matters more than it sounds. A UCLA study found that putting feelings into words reduced activity in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system.
Refocus on what matters more. Ask, “Is this worth my time and energy right now?” Usually it isn’t. Pick one next step and move on.
Back to that meeting. Judgment says, “He doesn’t respect me,” and you carry it home. Discernment says, “He cut me off twice. I’ll ask him about it tomorrow. Right now, I have work to finish and people waiting for me at home.”
Same moment. Very different evening.
The time and energy we spend in reactivity, we don’t get back. It keeps us from the things that matter most, the things that pull us toward our goals. At work and at home.
You won’t stop getting triggered. But you can get faster at finding your way back, and every minute you win back is yours to spend on what matters.
What helps you manage your emotions before they manage you?