A few months ago, I signed up for dance lessons. It was all brand new to me, and I decided to challenge myself by learning the lead role. But then I found myself wiped out after every class. My brain hurt from learning new steps and my shoulders ached. Nothing about the actual dancing should have caused that.
What I realized was that I was holding on, physically and mentally, tighter than I needed to. My body was braced. My mind was working overtime tracking where my arms, hands, feet, steps, posture were supposed to be.
I’m slowly learning to relax into the moves, and that’s exactly when my dancing got better. Not by trying harder. By trying less.
Leaders do the exact same thing. Step into a new role, a bigger team, a harder situation, and most people brace. They overthink every decision. They hold their body and their words more rigidly than needed. And they wonder, why they’re so much more exhausted than the job itself should account for.
It’s not the job. It’s the grip.
A lead who’s gripping too hard on the dance floor doesn’t just tire himself out. His partner feels it too. Even without a word being said, a follow can tell when the person leading her is tense instead of settled. She braces in return. The whole thing gets stiffer, and both are left exhausted.
Teams do the same thing. When a leader is bracing, holding on too tight, overthinking, trying to control every variable, people feel it before anything is ever said out loud. They tighten up too. Nobody named the tension, but everybody’s carrying it.
The fix isn’t more effort. It’s the opposite. The most effective leads I know aren’t the ones working hardest to control the dance. They’re the ones who’ve relaxed enough to actually feel what’s happening and respond to it.
This isn’t only true at work. New parents grip the same way. So do people stepping into any unfamiliar role at home, a new relationship, or a new stage with teenagers. The tension shows up as exhaustion, and it’s rarely the situation itself that’s exhausting. It’s how tightly you’re holding on to control it.
So if you’re noticing you’re more tired than the actual demands explain, that’s worth noticing. It might not mean you’re doing it wrong. It might just mean you haven’t relaxed into it yet.
Where are you holding on tighter than the moment actually needs?